Dearest Journal

I always admired you and Adam, and I wish we had met much much earlier in life. Even though I saw you in person only twice, you immediately treated me as family and a close friend. I remember when we went to the mall late at night in SF and you walked around with me and mom, even when we walked into all of our girly stores. There was this aura about you, that I only have felt around a handful of people. You were patient and kind, and you hugged me goodbye in such a comforting way and not in the usual awkward embrace I receive from family I see twice, three times a month. At fourteen, you were beyond your years. I remember looking at a picture of you, me, and Adam when we were like five, and I thought "I've met the twins before?!". I wish I could remember that specific day, instead of the photograph. However, that just might be some concrete proof we are actually related ;). Then the next time I saw you, it was four months before.... and you weren't quite as talkative, you were really tired, but I loved your company. We played Wii and I beat you at that math game, remember? Hah not before burning my feet on the floor of your sun room though! Yikes, darn California sun.

I feel so ashamed at times that it's been two whole years and I haven't been able to write about any of the memories, or share them with your family when they welcomed such thoughts eagerly. 2007 wasn't a good year for me either... but I'm done with the excuses. I wanted to talk to you everyday, write you letters, and I wish skype had existed back then, but I let silly things bring me down, and in the end, it wasn't worth it. I should've been with my family, instead of others, and I let those "others" bring me down for many months after that.

Now, your memories enliven my dreams. I feel like you're always here, giving me little hugs to keep me going on days when I want to be petty once again and take off the smile. When I would write about my goals and plans for the future, I would have your memories backing my writing and the passion and anger I have for the disease that has captured so many beings. But we can't stay angry forever, right? I keep trying to find that picture of us in the mall, where we look like best buds enjoying an adventure on the town. Man, we were hip :).

I just want to say thank you for your love and your strength. You will always be with me, and with every other life you have touched, so you do have a future. I want you to know that I brought you along to prom with me, the day I scored the round of a lifetime at the state championships, the first day of college, and many other quirky milestones of life.  I hope you enjoy the many more adventures with us! I can't promise it'll all be smooth or.. clean, but your path will continue.

Love always.